​As someone who loves personality systems, I have created my own. This system was created quite a few months ago during a three-hour period when this came to exist from scratch. Here it is explained.

 

The crux of the system sits on what I call “the three control styles”. I have seen it to be a fundamental part of being alive that we want to feel some degree of control over our life. There are three main areas of life we try to control, and everyone seems to have a favorite one. I have determined no reason behind why someone selects a particular favorite one, but there will usually be one an individual chooses to fight tooth and nail to keep, even as they can give up the other two. The one you are most driven to fight for is the one I would consider “yours”. 

 

Importantly, I feel the need to stress that no control style is bad, and no control style is good. They each have plenty to offer and plenty of ways to harm. Your best bet is to respect the control style and find healthy ways to soothe yourself through it. As for the behaviors, we each tend to pair our control style with a behavior that gets more extreme the more upset we get. When you pair your control style with your preferred behavior, you get your coping style. 

 

The Three Control Styles: 

 

The first of these control styles is Others-Control. Others-Control is a people focused control style. In its positive aspect it cares about others and community. It consistently searches other people out and will be building groups everywhere they go. To most everyone else’s chagrin, they also like telling other people what to do. People with Others-Control would do well to remind themselves that just because they would stand up against doing something they aren’t interested in and would instead get everyone to do what they want to do, not everyone is like this. To people who have someone with Others-Control in your life, speak up when you don’t like something or when you can’t do something. Speak up and maybe even give a different option. The person with Others-Control would do this and they expect that you would too. Their habit is likely to take your silence as agreement. If you share your thoughts and feelings and they choose not to respect them, they are more likely toxic. Fortunately, most Others-Control people are well-meaning and simply haven’t considered that not everyone is like them in their ability to stand up and get everyone to do what they want. A recommendation I have for individuals with Others-Control is to build your circles. Have multiple groups that focus on all the different things you would want to do. You can’t force people to do things, but you can find people who would also likely be interested. Find them! Lastly, explosion style. Each control style is different in their blow ups. As Others-Control, these individuals blow up like a targeted missile. They most often pick a target and then let the missile chase the person or thing down. Maybe there will be flares in the way that can derail the missile, but they can be very tenacious and very targeted. 

 

The second of these control styles is Self-Control. Self-Control is a notion that tends to be admired and praised. While it does have positive elements, it is best that you do not see it as only positive. Remember, it is only Self-Control if it has a self-destruct mode. You individuals with this control style know exactly what I’m talking about! You are the people actively willing and wanting to punish yourself when you’re upset. These people don’t like to breach their control onto others or their environment. They only care if the item they’re controlling is entirely encompassed by them. These things can include appearance, diet, sleep, exercise, personal habits, work achievements, academics, etc. However, their ability to sit in a space and feel no need to control others or the space is one of their best assets when working with others. Often, these are the people it is the easiest to tell your life problems to. Unlike Environment-Control they always remember humanity exists and unlike Others-Control they don’t care to take over your life and problems. One of the best things you can do for yourself if you have Self-Control as your personal style, is to fill your life with relaxing moments of self-love and care. Soothe and show yourself love. You need to be active in counteracting your self-destructive tendencies. Brush your hair because you like the way it feels! Don’t brush your hair because you have a rigid hair standard to maintain. Relax a little and love yourself all the more. As Self-Control, these individuals blow up different than the targeted missile. I call them the Supernova to Blackhole phenomena. Most of the time they are very controlled people, but they can explode. It is usually quick, sudden, and fiery. However, almost immediately after, they entirely collapse in on themselves. They are so hurt that they lost control that they almost curl into themselves and get so hyper fixated on what they did. These are the moments they need to self-soothe before figuring out how to clean up the mess they made from the supernova. It’s not healthy to turn into a storm cloud and attempt to live life as one. 

 

The third of these control styles is Environment-Control. Out of all the control styles, this one is often the least understood. Many of them have had the interesting experience of being told they have great self-control when they are in a positive space and being told they are trying to control others when they are in a negative space. Neither of these are quite true. However, the thing they all experience is the need to feel secure in their environment. This can but doesn’t necessarily mean that they need their space to be clean. If a person’s ability to maintain themselves and their behavior drastically changes depending on location, this is likely their control style. They can forget that they and even humanity exist, instead becoming task driven people. In one way, they can be some of the most well-adjusted individuals – that is to say, when they have a place, they can work through things. On the other hand, when they have no space to control, their stress and probability of explosion increases at an exponential rate. If you are someone with Environment-Control, my recommendation for you is that you find simple ways to bring your best environment with you. Is this a pair of headphones and a favorite music playlist? Is this a book? Maybe this is finding a special part of your home that can be solely yours and allowing your control style to run wild with it. You have options! As for explosions, I call Environment-Control’s version the Shrapnel Bomb. This is an explosion that when triggered goes all directions equally and stays primarily in a single location. Yes, others can get hurt, but they weren’t specifically being targeted. They were in the blast zone and anyone or anything in the blast zone will be affected.

 

The Three Behaviors: 

 

The first of these behavior styles is Busy-Busy. These are the individuals who shove more into their life the worse off it gets. At its most extreme, this can be the general equivalent of a university student taking 18 credits, auditing 4 credits, holding a part-time job, and exercising for at least 45 minutes every day during a single semester. Whoever wrote, “Be so busy you don’t have time to be sad.” most definitely lived the Busy-Busy model. These people need to be actively doing something. However, what they are doing and who else is involved can vary wildly based on their control style. 

 

The second of these behavior styles is Duct-Tape. These are the individuals who put all their energy into manifesting things being OK. As a general rule of thumb, the more perfectly OK they look, the less OK they are. It is when they feel comfortable showing that they are having struggles that they are at their healthiest. Otherwise, they are living in a space where all they are doing is fighting. What they choose to duct tape does vary based on control style. 

 

The third of these behavior styles is Wallowing. When a person is comfortable and almost seems to enjoy sitting in their misery, this is their behavior style. For them, there is comparatively little shame in existing in their pain. Whether they want this pain to be on display and how they deal with it, will vary based on control style. 

 

The Combinations: 

 

Busy-Busy + Others

This combination always wants to be doing things with others. If they are cleaning, they would rather do it with others they can direct. If they are out on an adventure, they likely found someone else to drag along with them. Their tendency to be busy means that they get tons of things done and their control style makes sure that everyone else does as well. They may have the tendency to be overbearing at times, but they just want to be doing something and need to not feel alone. 

Busy-Busy + Self

This combination holds itself to the highest excellence and is desperate to reach every milestone they can. They tend to constantly push themselves to achieve and be more than they currently are. They are often the people society looks at as role models for their productivity and lifestyle. However, their self-destructive tendencies can rear up and their drive can turn into a type of torture as they put themselves through the pit to reach a goal. They should take time to remember relationships and their own ability to relax. 

Busy-Busy + Environment

This combination basically lives by their ever-increasing list of things to do. They may or may not have the need to keep their space clean. At the very least, they know where all their stuff is and exactly what they need to achieve every task on their list. These are perhaps the most productive people on the planet with their ability to apparently transcend the limits of humanity. Unfortunately, they can also be incredibly stressed people who have never thought to work through much if any of their trauma. Allowing themselves to be human and not finish their task list can be very important for their mental health. 

 

Duct-Tape + Others

This combination almost manifests itself as a type of high-strung nurse. It has the need to be needed and the need to make sure everyone is properly duct taped! They will search out people to make sure they are OK, but their need to make everything look OK can at times counteract their efforts to help people. However, their Duct-Tape nature often helps them react well in a crisis and paired with Other-Control are good at checking in with others. For all their faults, these individuals are pillars of society. 

Duct-Tape + Self

This combination features many of the nicest people who are the most likely to end up in toxic environments. Their Duct-Tape means that they are comfortable maintaining many things in their lives and their Self-Control means that they are unwilling to consider placing blame on others when things go wrong. At their worst, a toxic person wouldn’t even have to convince them that someone else insulting them is their own fault. Life would be easiest on them if they had the power to affect everything in their life without outside sources. If this is you, stand up. You deserve more. Go chase your dream and you are not a doormat. 

Duct-Tape + Environment 

This combination really cares about its space and the level of safety and security it feels in the space. It likes things a very specific way and is most always fighting nature’s drive for randomized chaos. For it, safety is predictability. It likes knowing where things are and how things will work. While usually not caring to fully change the environment, it does care to control and maintain. As people, these will be some of the most chill individuals you ever meet. But, be warned, they might break and start micromanaging their space at one in the morning on those particularly rough days. 

 

Wallowing + Others

This combination has problems, and they need everyone to know. They can tend to loudly declare their emotions to the world or put on a bit of a show to make sure everyone knows they are suffering. They also really care about other people’s suffering and may choose to suffer for those who aren’t letting themselves suffer. Put these individuals in a therapy support group and they likely will thrive. They wallow for themselves and for others. The nice thing is that once you’ve validated their wallowing, they will often move on. If that doesn’t work, group therapy is often a great option.

Wallowing + Self

This combination at its worst is basically the deep pit of despair. People with this combo can become an ever-decreasing spiral hiding out in the corner as they attempt to control themselves and possibly punish themselves through their emotions. However, at their best they are amazing at giving others the space to work through their emotions. They are insightful and understand the darkness inside all of us, all while giving people the space to explore. Usually, they are great listeners. Sadly, it is in a sense tragic, how hard it is to reach them at their lowest. Almost all you can do is physically be there to let them know that you’re there for them when they manage to crawl out of their cave. 

Wallowing + Environment

This combination is one of the best at working through emotions. When in its safe and personal space, it actually lets itself feel pain and work through it. Then, when they exit the space, they are adjusted and ready to face the world. They retreat and rebuild themselves between danger and are stronger and more resilient for it. Unfortunately, if they don’t have a place, they feel safe to wallow, they can become a walking time-bomb – one that is progressively more unhinged. As such, this style either keeps you very well adjusted or entirely crazed. If they find a way to pull their environment with them, they are golden.

 

Relationships: 

 

When there is more than one person struggling and traumatized, these types will all interact with each other. This can be unnerving, but it is also not anything to fear. We all can help each other. We all need to help each other. The first means to do this is by finding the healthiest way to be yourself. After that, observe how different styles interact and find behaviors that allow everyone’s best side to shine.

 

 

You Got This!